What do you want for $100 million?

Speaking of Speed Racer (as I was the other day), they really ask for way too much from these Hollywood directors. Do you think it's easy to make a half decent movie for only $100 million? No, it isn't -- just ask the Wachowski brothers, who seem to have spent exactly that amount on what is essentially the world's longest and most expensive Mentos commercial.

But it's not their fault, as you'll read in this exclusive report at CAPNews:

"First of all, nowhere in our contract does it say the movie had to not suck," said Larry Wachowski. "If anybody had mentioned that they didn't want the movie to suck, we would have definitely made that a priority, or at least talked about it."

"Larry's right," said Andy Wachowski. "We had this whole checklist of things to do with this movie, and if they had told us they didn't want it to suck we would have put that right near the top."

Maybe they'll have their next time, when they helm their $150 million version of Battle of the Planets.

And she's, well, Janet, dammit!

I haven't seen "Speed Racer" (just like pretty much everyone else, apparently), but I can pretty much tell you right off the bat what the most unrealistic part of it is. No, not the crazy colors or the monkey or the cars that seem to defy gravity. It's that John Goodman could wind up landing Susan Sarandon.
He looks like a cross between Fatty Arbuckle and the guy from the W.B. Mason ads, for crying out loud.

Help the monks help cyclone survivors

At Large fans are a generous sort — I can tell by how often people click on that little "Make a Donation" button on the right of the screen. Oh wait, no one ever does that.

But I do know that even if you don't want to send me your hard-earned cash, you’d want to help out in Burma, where more than 100,000 are feared dead in the wake of the recent cyclone. But how to get the aid to that country when it’s common knowledge that the government there is brutal, corrupt and not particularly interested in helping its own people? I have one word for you: monks.

So says the independent global campaigning organization Avaaz.org:

Humanitarian relief is urgently needed, but Burma’s government could easily delay, divert or misuse any aid. Today the International Burmese Monks Organization, including many leaders of the democracy protests last fall, launched a new effort to provide relief through Burma’s powerful grass roots network of monasteries—the most trusted institutions in the country and currently the only source of housing and support in many devastated communities. Click below to help the Burmese people with a donation and see a video appeal to Avaaz from a leader of the monks:

https://secure.avaaz.org/en/burma_cyclone/77.php

Giving to the monks is a smart, fast way to get aid directly to Burma’s people. Governments and international aid organizations are important, but face challenges—they may not be allowed into Burma, or they may be forced to provide aid according to the junta’s rules. And most will have to spend large amounts of money just setting up operations in the country. The monks are already on the front lines of the aid effort—housing, feeding, and supporting the victims of the cyclone since the day it struck. The International Burmese Monks Organization will send money directly to each monastery through their own networks, bypassing regime controls.

We now return to your regularly scheduled humor blog, already in progress.

They promise it will be strictly softcore

Believe it or not, I hadn't been looking especially forward to "High School Musical 3." This could have something to do with having watched "High School Musical 2," which was what I imagine it might feel like if Satan came up from the fiery pits of hell and threw balls of flaming sulfur in your eyes.

Still, if this report by the reputable news organization CAP News is any indication, volume 3 may actually be kind of interesting:

Disney CEO Bob Iger pointed out that those scenes may not make the final film, and besides, with High School Musical 3 headed for the big screen rather than Disney Channel, Disney felt a need to make it "edgier," he said. This would explain rumored plot turns such as Troy and Gabriella's steamy tryst in Troy's secret garden hideaway at East High, Sharpay's embarrassment after a nose job gone horribly wrong and Corbin Bleu's character, Chad, coming out as gay. "Like that wasn't completely obvious," said Iger.

"It's more sophisticated, but let's face it, the audience has gotten older," Iger added. "Some of them are 8 now."

I'm an idiot

Yes, that's right. At first I thought Elvis Costello was so clever, putting out an album on vinyl only, but including a code to download the whole album as well. That way you get the retro thrill of placing the needle on the record to hear that first song, but still be able to take it in your iPod when you're out jogging or riding the train. I don't do either of those things, but I like the idea of being able to if the opportunity arose.

And I'll admit I did get a kick out of sliding the album out of its sleeve and putting on the turntable -- until I realized that instead of the first song on side 1, it was playing the first song on side 2. That's right, the album was pressed wrong -- side 1 was missing and I had two side 2's. But at least I would have the download, right? Wrong -- the code didn't work.

So now I have half an album and no downloads. (Not that the downloads would have helped -- turns out the format isn't iTunes compatible anyway.) And that part about not releasing it on CD? Elvis was just kidding -- that's coming out next week.

This is the last time I get caught up in nostalgia. If anyone catches me waxing wistfully about my old Betamax, just hold me down until the feeling passes.

Not the luncheon meat -- that's 71. You know, like McCain.

Spam is 30!

Time certainly flies ... It seems like just yesterday I got my first notice about how I could enhance my manhood and bring my partner more pleasure to keep her from laughing at me behind my back.

This must be that last-chance power drive you’ve heard about

First there was the woman who stabbed her boyfriend when he wouldn’t let her listen to Springsteen music (”I mean, who doesn’t like Bruce Springsteen?” she asked the arresting officer, and frankly, I had to agree).

And now, another story tying The Boss to criminal activity: A man in France was stopped by cops going 125 mph while watching a Springsteen DVD on a player he had mounted to his dashboard.

An officer said: “He said he had a long drive to Paris and was bored.”

Understandable, but I don’t understand why he couldn’t have passed the time doing what everybody else does when driving long distances: Texting.

Parents, lock up your machetes!

It seems a lot of people are concerned about kids getting their hands on the latest Grand Theft Auto game, and you could see how it might happen. After all, how is a parent supposed to know that a game whose box features pimps with guns and women in tiny bikinis making suggestive tongue movements (not to mention the giant "M" and "17+" warnings) would be bad for a 12-year-old?

But bad it would be, as I uncovered in my exclusive report for CAP News:

A new study out of Harvard Medical School suggests that since the release of the first Grand Theft Auto video game in 1997, incidents of 12-year-olds involved in carjackings and hooker beatings have gone up almost 1300 percent

That explains so much. But if you think that's bad, wait until you see Volume V.

Maybe she was just trying to get noticed

So, who is to blame for the Miley Cyrus/Vanity Fair debacle? Surely not Miley, who was sweet-talked into disrobing by that tricky Annie Leibovitz -- she's lucky she didn't wind up covered in mud or curled up naked next to Yoko Ono.

But not Annie Leibovitz either -- she was just doing her job, namely to take pictures of naked 15-year-olds. And not Vanity Fair, which was just trying to sell magazines, or at least get people to look at pictures on the Internet from magazines that nobody buys. And certainly not Billy Ray Cyrus, who is not known for having the best judgment.

No, I think it was my fault, for seeing her stupid movie. I was just encouraging her.

Where I've been, where I'm going ...

Yes, it seems I've become one of those people -- those people who only blog about how sorry they are that it's been so long since the last time they blogged. I'd come up with some lame excuse, but the fact of the matter is: All 10 of my fingers were broken by mobsters I beat in pool.

But I'm back now, and I promise (no, really) to do my best to provide my take on ... wait, let me check my notes ... "modern life, pop culture and parenting." Not necessarily in that order. So to start off, here are some important links:

• My latest column, on visiting my wife's alma mater, Penn State University, where I was mauled by a Nittany Lion. No, wait, I only wished I was mauled by a Nittany Lion -- actually I just realized I was old.
• My Springsteen blog, to once again prove that I've been doing something all that time I wasn't blogging here.
• Puff-A-Palooza, the Las Vegas event that I unfortunately somehow missed, where "for all 36 hours, guests will be treated to free shots every hour on the hour, live music from special guest headliner bands and DJ's, extreme performance acts of the aerialist variety, hors d'oeuvres and specialty hookahs." Yes, that's right -- hors d'oeuvres!
• The exciting news that "Coconut Milk Gives New Ice Cream Luxuriously Smooth Texture with Fewer Calories." Except that it all tastes like coconut.
• That naked picture of Miley Cyrus.
  

Come gather 'round people, wherever you roam ...

... and admit that it's about time Bob Dylan won a freakin' Pulitzer!

Congratulations, Bob-o. Keep 'em coming.

'College Road Trip' is the worst movie ever made

OK, maybe not the worst movie. But I think any movie featuring Martin Lawrence in full mug-mode, Donny Osmond in any capacity and a pet pig who eats coffee beans and then goes crazy and destroys a wedding reception would have to at least qualify as "bad." (And that pig sequence was not even as funny as I just made it sound, if you can believe it.)

I bring this up because, and I may be sorry I admitted this, I left the theater thinking the movie was actually pretty OK. Raising the question, have my standards really dropped that low? Have I seen so much Disney Channel that my idea of what constitutes a reasonable level of entertainment value has been warped beyond all recognition? Was I just that happy to get the kids out of the house during a nine-hour rainstorm? Well ... Yes, yes and yes.

Also, Donny Osmond was actually pretty funny. Four stars!

There will be geese!

The other day, I received an e-mail with the subject line, “Free video on resolving conflicts with Canada geese.” My initial thought was, of course, what’s the catch? Surely no one is going to just give away an entire video on resolving conflicts with Canada geese.

But as it turns out, it seems the people behind this video — the Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals — care more about Canada geese welfare than they do about making a buck. I know: What’s wrong with these people?

Read all about it in my column here, or better yet, watch Part I of the video below. And college students: If you want to turn it into a drinking game, you may want to try taking a shot every time someone says "poop."

You want hope? I'll give you some hope!

The New Republic reports that Hillary has adopted Bruce Springsteen's "Land of Hope and Dreams" as her entrance music, which seems odd given her decidedly anti-hope stance in recent weeks. I guess her hope is realistic, policy-driven, ready-on-day-one kind of hope, as opposed to Obama's hope, which is composed primarily of pixie dust and the hazy mist that rises off unicorns after they bathe.

The comments to this piece are particularly enjoyable (from a Springsteen fan's perspective, not a Clinton-backer's). Like this one:

If Clinton's looking for some Springsteen songs to more accurately sum up the way her campaign's gone so far, might I recommend "I'm Going Down," "Wreck On the Highway," "Lost In The Flood," or "If I Should Fall Behind."